Last Year

Last year at this time I was scared. My precious baby girl had been inside of me for over six months but I hadn't felt her once. I bonded with Lucy the morning I found out I was pregnant. Even though I had to take three pregnancy tests I knew I was pregnant and even then I kind of knew I was having a girl. I know now I was meant to get pregnant when I did, even though it wasn't exactly planned, it was supposed to happen when it did. Initially Blake and I were nervous but that was just general "how in the world are WE going to be parents" type of nervousness. A few months into the pregnancy when we found out there were some issues a whole new worry set in. But driving home each day from work I would talk to Lucy and keep encouraging her to keep going. She had to do a lot more work than what is expected of most babies and she did so well.

The day I was admitted to the hospital was after one of our weekly ultrasounds. I was prepared to drive to LDS as often as possible for as many ultrasounds as needed as long as my baby girl could stay safe in me. But I was admitted sooner than we thought and I kind of knew when I was admitted she'd be here soon. Two days in the hospital not knowing what would happen sucked. I had to wear a monitor on my stomach so they could watch Lucy's heartbeat. Every time it was repositioned I'd ask the nurse to turn down the volume. I was so afraid something would happen and when the volume was up I couldn't concentrate on anything but the sound. I remember the 2nd night in the hospital. In the middle of the night Lucy's heart had a desat and they rushed in and hooked me up to a monitor. It took only a minute or so to find her heart beat but it felt like hours. Shortly after that my doctor came in and said everyone involved thought it was best to plan the c-section for the next day. I groaned and cried to her but she explained it so well that Lucy will grow and do better in the garden here (the NICU) than the one she was in now. It's hard to hear that your own body is not helping your baby thrive but it made sense to me and I know it wasn't my fault that my body wasn't helping her.

The Friday Lucy was born most of my friends and family saw me at the hospital. Some people may not like a lot of people around them before such a big, scary event but it brought me such comfort. My uncle Jon gave me a blessing and then offered to be in the operating room with us. The c-section wasn't as awful as I imagined. I tried to keep calm and ask Jon and Blake to keep talking to me about anything just to focus. Lucy didn't cry when she came out of me. I saw Blake's eyes when they rushed her to the NICU and he looked so happy and calm. A few minutes later I heard a doctor come back in saying she was okay and breathing and told us her size. Blake and I started crying tears of joy and relief.

Blake and my parents got to see Lucy that night and they all said she was so cute and perfect. I saw her on Saturday once I could make it to the NICU and I was so nervous to see her but when I did she was just as I'd hoped. Red hair, perfect features and a spirit so strong. Her skin was transparent and you could see her working so hard. I was and still am so proud of the strongest person I know.

Lucy spent 79 days in the NICU. She's doing wonderful and amazes me everyday. Every one knows she is still tiny but her personality is so huge it makes up for her petiteness. Lucy has brought a whole new meaning of life to us this past year. I can't even begin to imagine life without her. Everything means so much more, is so much clearer and colorful with Lucy.

Thinking back to a year ago I had so much uncertainty and worry. But now is the time to remember the past and move on to new beginnings with this bug girl! I never knew I would find such joy in making funny noises, reading board books, experimenting with foods, stroller talks, Target runs with my best new shopping partner, morning kisses, quiet snuggles, babbles during the morning drive to grandma's, baby fashion shows, and every other moment we share together.

I'm so grateful to my friends and family for supporting us this past year. I've leaned on people more than I probably could ever repay and I don't promise to stop that anytime soon! I'm also very grateful to the website http://www.babycenter.com/ . They have a preemie parenting board that has helped me so much. The women that I have met and chatted with have calmed me many times and have given me wonderful advice. Fretting over ounces, sitting, rolling, crawling has been put to ease by many posters on that board. Also celebrating the tiniest achievements have been shared on that board. I am so proud of each new accomplishment of Lucy and other preemie moms know how special these moments are. Also, I have to mention that I'm so grateful for Blake. I would not be who I am without his strength and support. He deals with my anxiety and stress the best he can. I'm so happy Lucy has a laid back dad to balance out her nervous nelly mother!

This turned into quite a journal! But this week has been such a time for reflection, emotions ranging from sadness to what we were up against a year ago to happiness and relief for what we have. Other preemie moms from babycenter have said to prepare for this 1st birthday because it is quite emotional. I admit I'm giving Lucy extra squeezes this week and taking in all of her cuteness because I'm so grateful for her and what she has brought to our lives.

lucy's new astrological onesie for Aries fits Lucy to a T: "I'm impulsive and friendly, I will be adventurous, love to rock the boat, daring, self-reliant, outgoing" that's right baby girl!!!