grateful

Last week we had both great news and tragic news affecting people we love.

Since then I've spent many nights reflecting and feeling overwhelmed with gratitude. Sometimes I wonder why I got so lucky with this life. But after conversations with Blake - mostly about guilt and "how did I deserve this" I've realized it's all about perspective. No one has a perfect life and we've had our own amount of trials but because of a positive perspective and outlook a lot of the trials or hard times fade. I'm only 32 and I don't want to jinx anything so who knows what's ahead of me. But that's the thing I have to not focus or worry about because that type of doomsday thinking is a slippery slope. What I can focus on is where I am now - where we are as a family.

With the help of therapy, supportive family and the best husband

in the world I've been able to accept and move on from my pregnancy with Lucy and

her scary start. Most days it's a non issue but sometimes I relive moments and am taken back so quickly. Until you've lived through that situation (as with many others) you really have no idea how awful it can be and how the smallest and oddest things can be triggers.

But Lucy is a living, breathing miracle and she's mine. I know that my memories (even the scary and bad ones) will always stay with me and part of me doesn't want them to go away. They are part of our story now and it's okay that they're there. But today I am just so, so grateful.

I've been volunteering with the NICU parent support group for a couple of years but all of my volunteering has been at IMC in Murray. Last week I changed locations and now will be volunteering at the scene where some of my most vivid and scary moments happened - LDS Hospital. Last Wednesday I made the drive we made SO many times and even parked in the same area. The tears started as soon as I got out of the car.

But I made through and feel like a huge part of me is healed from going back into that building. It did help a lot that the entire 4th floor has been remodeled and the hospital doesn't have a NICU but a 'special care nursery'. The nursery is for babies 32+ weeks who are generally in good (non critical) condition. It's a small unit and I think it'll be a good fit for me and I hope to help parents who are in the thick of worry and uncertainty with their babies. I'll never be over what happened with Lucy and I don't know how much that plays our decision to have or not have another child but I do know because of her I'm stronger.

Another thing to be grateful for...ten years of marriage! Last week was our anniversary and Blake sent me these gorgeous flowers - an almost exact duplicate of my 60 lb bouquet I carried for three hours at my reception. I loved our wedding. Even though I annoy him with never putting away laundry, my reality tv obsession and my Nordstrom bill I know he could not live without me. And the feeling is mutual!

And tonight I'm so grateful that my baby Suki is almost fully recovered. He went in for bladder surgery last week and let's just say we were all a little worried. Lucy said "Wedge is missing his brother." For dog people you get it - for non-dog people you don't. Suki is our first baby. We got him for our first anniversary so we've had him for nine years. Blake had to be the one to drop him off this last week in the early morning and I was up to kiss him (Suki) goodbye.

All went well and Suki is starting to act like himself again. He's even acting healthier than before surgery. We sure do love our pups.

So apologies for a jumbled post. I was overdue and sometimes the words just kind of fumble out - thanks for making it this far.

p.s. oh, and I'm not ashamed to admit I am grateful for fall tv

are you watching Modern Family? If not, add it to the dvr.