five years ago...

In two days my baby girl will turn FIVE!  That will deserve a post on its own...all about Lucy!  But tonight I can't help but remember where we were five years ago.  Five years ago today I was admitted to the hospital.  After about ten weeks of tears, prayers, fingers crossed and anxiety we were told that it was time to be in the hospital.  I was prepared for the long haul.  I could do bed rest.  Bring in all seasons of the O.C. to watch in bed (a task that Blake still suggests monthly), hang out and get as close to 40 weeks as possible.  I was up to that challenge but it really never was a discussion.  I think my doctor knew all along that baby girl would be coming soon.

Tonight I was scheduled in the Special Care Nursery at LDS.  The SCN has babies usually older than 32 weeks and typically with non threatening conditions.  A lot of the families I've met have been there less than one week.  After I introduce myself and tell our story many of the parents look at me wide-eyed and say "79 days!  How could you do it?"  Well, let me just say, I don't know how the HELL we did it?!  But really, we had no idea what else to do.  These sweet parents always follow up with something like "we've been here four days - I have nothing to complain about compared to you." But I always tell them than one day is a day too long.  Not having your ideal birthing experience is not fair.  Every situation is unique and every one is just as important.  As I walked into the hospital tonight, back to that same 4th floor it kind of all hit me again.  Where we were five years ago and that feeling we had of the unknown.  The hospital lobby is in the middle of a remodel but it still smells the same to me.  The elevators are the same.  Even one of the security guards we had to sign in with each night to visit our baby is still working there.

I met such a sweet couple tonight.  They just had their first child, about six weeks early.  They were tired and still in a blur.  I remembered that feeling.  I remember just wanting so bad to have someone tell me she was going to be okay.  But not until she had been there about a month did I feel certain we would take her home.  This couple had questions too and the poor mom was feeling the guilt that preemie moms are all too familiar with.  I told her she did such a great job.  She carried him this far and he's doing well.  I also listened because really that's the most important thing.

Last week Lucy was begging for some toy she saw on tv.  One of the light up stuffed animals that projects stars on the ceiling.  She said she'd start staying in her bed if we got her one.  Well I remembered I bought her a ladybug one on her first birthday.  She didn't care about it then so it was packed away with all of the "baby" stuff.  Opening all of those totes brought back so many memories...but really happy memories.  I was overwhelmed at the cards, notes, letters from so many family and friends.  Wishing us well, wishing Lucy well.  Never in my life have I felt so loved.  I came across Lucy's name tags and care charts from the NICU.  We had such great nurses who helped me learn to find my voice and be Lucy's advocate.  My wonderful friend Lacey went to such work and made me scrapbook pages from pictures I had posted online and compiled everything together - she did so much for me during that time.  My parents and family spent so much time with Lucy and I came across notes I made each evening about Lucy's weight and any information my mom or me would note during a visit.  I tried to explain some of these items to Lucy.  She's older now and is starting to understand why some of this stuff is so important.  But I know I have years and years to show her and share with her all of the love she got before so many people even met her.  She got her light up ladybug and still came to our bed that night.

A lot of these memories and thoughts have been written by me before.  Maybe each year I'll have the same stuff to say but for some reason...five years ago seems like such a long time.  We've all come so far and we're continually blessed with such amazing family and friends.  Lucy will start kindergarten in the fall, she's in the middle of her first "crush", she's a master of the eye roll and for some reason has started calling Blake, "Big Jo".  She's a normal, beautiful, brilliant five year old who probably doesn't need her mom to get weepy every March and show her the hospital id she wore around her ankle.  But it will always be there.  That mix of memories, anxiety, hope, love.  The start of our family.  

My doctor came into our hospital room very early on the 30th.  Like around 4 or 5 in the morning.  She told me she felt it was best to deliver later that day.  She was leaving out of town in a couple of hours but wanted to come in and check on me.  Blake was asleep in the room and after she left I sat alone. Just over 12 hours later my dream came true.